The world was not broken by noise. It went out.
At the hospital, Dr. Medrano explained words to me that no mother should learn: severe head trauma, induced coma, brain inflammation. Mateo seemed smaller than ever, connected to machines, with a swollen face and a bandaged head. I took his hand and promised him I wouldn’t leave him.
I called my parents that morning. My mom cried a little and said they were going. They arrived the next day, stayed for an hour, asked the basics and left. When I asked them for help preparing Joaquín’s funeral, my mother sighed as if I had asked for an awkward favor.
—Daughter, this week we will help Verónica and Rubén to settle better in the apartment. We already committed.
—Mom, Joaquín just died.
—I know, but you are strong.
So I buried my husband almost alone. Solana, my best friend, was with me. Joaquín’s classmates really cried. My parents, Verónica and Rubén, arrived late, sat in the back and left quickly.
Mateo remained in a coma for 6 months. I read to him, I talked to him about baseball, I told him that his dad would be proud. My family visited him three times, always in a hurry.
And one morning in July, Dr. Medrano called me.
—Mrs. Herrera, I need you to come to the hospital immediately.
When I saw his face in the hallway, I knew my last reason to keep breathing the same was gone too.
Mateo had died an hour earlier.
That afternoon I called my mom, shaking, and told her I needed help burying my son.
On the other side there was silence. Then his response left me colder than death.
—We can’t, Angelica. Tomorrow we fly to Cancun with Verónica and Rubén. The trip has already been paid for.
—Mom, Mateo was your grandson —I said, pressing the phone as if I could break it with my hand—. Just died.
—And I’m so sorry —she responded, in a dry voice—, but we spent $8,000 on that vacation. We can’t lose that money.
—Are you choosing the beach over my son’s funeral?
—You are exaggerating. You can handle this. You always can.
I hang. Before I could breathe, Veronica called.
—Mom told me you’re doing drama —he said, without saying hello—. Look, I’m sorry about Mateo, but we’re not canceling anything.
—It was your nephew.
—And his death is your problem, not mine. I’m pregnant, Angelica. This may be my last chance to rest before the baby.
I felt a door close inside me.
—Don’t say his name again.
—Do not threaten me. If you want to sink, sink alone. I’m not going to ruin my happiness because your son died.
I hung up without saying goodbye. That night I didn’t scream. I didn’t break anything. I just sat in Mateo’s bedroom, surrounded by his trophies, his baseball glove, and his notebooks, and I understood something terrible: I hadn’t lost my family that day. I had seen her for the first time.
Mateo’s funeral was on a Thursday morning. Solana accompanied me. It was also his teacher, Mrs. Moreno, who drove for more than an hour with red eyes and a letter written by her classmates. My son’s coffin was placed next to Joaquín’s. While the priest talked about meeting in heaven, I thought about Cancun. In my mother putting sunscreen on. In my father ordering seafood. In Veronica smiling with her hand about her pregnancy as my child came down to earth.
After the funeral, Solana wanted to stay with me.
—You shouldn’t be alone.
—I’m not alone —I told him—. I’m awake.
I went straight to the apartment that Joaquín had left me. Verónica and Rubén had lived there for free for years. I opened it with my key and started packing. Clothes, shoes, dishes, photos, cheap decorations, documents, everything. I didn’t break anything. I did not scream. I was orderly, exact, cold. I hired a move and paid extra to have everything taken to my parents’ house. I used the emergency key that they themselves had given me and asked them to leave the boxes in the middle of the room, one on top of the other, like the altar of their impudence.
Then I called a locksmith.
